Raised by Wolves

I am a strong believer in the fact that a childhood forever affects the person you ultimately become. Memories of traumatic events replay like a skipping record in your mind. Many people turn to alcohol or drugs to drown their sorrows and try to forget. My drug of choice was porn. It was an escape. I have tried to trace back the catalyst to my addiction over the years. When I was nine years old I was sexually molested. This incident set off a chain reaction in my life like a cigarette in a forest fire. Around the same time is when I was first exposed to porn. I could go on blaming my struggles on someone else but ultimately I am responsible for me reactions. I've known many people that like to play the blame game. "I smoke crack because of my fatherless upbringing." " I'm a prostitute because my mom never loved me." These are very real situations that people live through.

We are ultimately responsible for our actions. God doesn't look away from your sin because of the painful memory. He doesn't allow sin because of sin. In my head I can go on justifying my addiction. I had this traumatic event in my life, therefore God will overlook my sins. This is a dangerous mindset for anyone to have. It causes a complacent life and a pushover mentality. We can't allow these events to define our future. Dwelling on the past will develop like a cancer in your heart. The only true way to move on is dealing with your past and forgiving the wrong doer. (Matthew 6:15)

I have allowed myself to be overtaken by my past on multiple occasions. I beat myself to a bloody pulp thinking about what I've done. What I finally realized is that I wasn't sinless before this point in my life. We are all born into sin. In my youth I lied and hated. I sometimes I think back to this event as my fall from grace. What I failed to realize is that the fall from Grace happened in the garden of eden well before my birth. I beat myself up because I felt perfect before this event. I felt as though this event stole my innocence. The fact is I was broken from the start. I will never will be perfect. I struggled through failure after failure and thought I was beyond God's grace. My multitude of sin separated me from having a relationship with him and a relationship with the ones I love. I kept trying to fix myself before I repented. This always left me cold and alone. I finally decided to come to God as I was. This changed my life. I found out that he loved me despite my addictions or failures.

God's love expands inside and in between my failures. He catches me when I fall even though I don't always trust him to. I have forgiven the person involved in this event in my life. This has allowed me to move forward but not forget. I struggle daily with this and need prayer daily. Blaming your struggles on your past doesn't hide your sin. You are responsible for your sin in the eyes of God. The only way your forgiven isn't by not failing, its by falling on Jesus.




 

Ungodly Monsters

           
                        "Proximity to power deludes some into thinking they wield it."
                                                                             -Francis Underwood (House of Cards)                                                                                                                                                                          
     Have you ever felt far from God? Overwhelmed by guilt and a sense of separation. On the other hand, have you felt closer to God? You felt in tune with God's radio station and obedient to every letter of scripture. One day you're on the highest mountain and the next you're in the darkest valley. This is the picture I had of church. Either you're a spotless Christian or a sinning "back-slider." This is the way of thinking that has left me beaten and broken more times that I care to admit.  How much sin would it take to go from Christian to "back-slider?"  Could an abundant amount of failure separate me from God forever? Is it really "Once save, always saved?" These questions rocked me to my core.

"Back-slider" is a term popularized by mainstream Christian folk. The definition pertained to the state of one's relationship with Jesus. It operates under the assumption that you are sliding away something rather than towards something. It means that you were moving closer to God, but now you're moving away from him. This is a demeaning term used to describe people who have experienced failure. It may have been the child out of wedlock or the porn addiction. In either one of these situations, it's not the failure that determines the state of you're relationship with God. The factor that determines the state of the relationship is the need to struggle. The need to carry on with the relationship despite your failure. The struggle separates the defeated from the victorious. I've found this train of thought to be revolutionary to my relationship with Jesus. The truth that the validity of my relationship with Jesus didn't rest on my failure, but his victory. I can beat myself up daily or I can rest assured that his Grace is more than the sum of my failure. Therefore, I don't believe that the term "Back-slider" is an adequate way to describe the abundance of someone's failures.

Have you ever been labelled a sinner? An ungodly monster or even an infidel? All of these can be used to describe the human race. Whether you are part of a church or never stepped foot into a congregation. If someone has ever said that their not a sinner then they are making God out to be a liar. Everyone under the sun has sinned and having faith in Jesus can't change that. Even after entering into a relationship with Jesus you will still sin daily. Therefore, our feeble attempts to live according to God's word  have to be met with God's Grace. God's grace is made perfect in our weakness. God knows that we are weak, that's why he sent Jesus. Jesus came to make a way for sinners like me to enter into a relationship with God. I can try all I want to live according to God's word, but the only thing that allows me to go to heaven is Jesus.

Lack of sin or godly living won't matter without Jesus. Jesus is the only reason we get to walk with God. "Back-sliders" and sinners will inherit God's kingdom through Jesus. You can live your life as a Pharisee in private or a sinner out in the open. Either way you choose won't change the fact that as humans we fail. Whether you hide it or not, everyone is united by this. Labelling people outside of your belief system won't exempt you from the same judgement they will face one day.  It only serves as a grisly reminder that the reason that so many churches lose people is themselves.

Ecotone

                                   



                                         Ecotone  - an area of transition between two biomes.                                              

                            Death is so final.  Whenever someone dies we always think back to the last time that you spoke to them. You wish you had visited more and you wish you were allowed more time. We live in a fantasy world sometimes. We always say to ourselves that tomorrow will be another opportunity to spend time with a family member or friend. What if tomorrow never arrives? No more stories of the "good ol' days." No more time to hear their voice or hear their laugh. In these times or pain we tend to reflect on own life and how we spend our time. In this year alone I have lost my grandmother, followed  soon after by my grandfather. Both of these people have had a positive influence despite their enormous differences.                                                                                                                                                    

                         When I ponder the last time a saw my grandfather alive I think of one statement that he uttered. It saddened me and made me reflect on my own life. "Why am I in so much pain? I thought that I've lived a good life." I didn't know how to respond to such a question. Now that he is gone I am left to ponder this statement until I am dead. Why would God allow him to suffer in his final days on earth? I'm not expressing my anger towards God, I'm simply stating that I have no concrete way to answer it. I don't know why God would allow him to suffer through so much pain. All that I know for sure is that God's understanding of this world surpasses my comprehension. I have to take hold of the promise that God's will is perfect and just.                                                                                            

                             When someone passes away there are many things people say to comfort you. "I'm praying for you." "If you need anything just call me." In times of deep pain and loss these statements are meant to comfort the person in the midst of loss. I appreciate anyone who takes time to actively try to comfort me in this difficult time. It serves of a reminder of the family and friends I'm surrounded with. In times like this I find that it helps to be around close friends and family, if only to reflect the past and ponder the future. I know that death has always made me wonder what's next for me. God alone knows the amount of time I have left. The only thing I have control of is what the dash on my tombstone represents.  How did I spend this space in between these dates? I can only hope for enough time to love and laugh for years to come.                                                                                                                                    

                               The last time I saw my grandmother alive she was barely breathing on a bed inside a hospice facility. As soon as I walked in she stepped out. I saw her a few moments before she passed and she seemed to be at peace. Surrounded by her loved ones and being comforted by a caring staff of nurses. I don't believe she suffered, but I do know that I did. She was the kindest soul I have ever met. Each visit always beginning and ending with a hug and a goodbye. I felt that no matter how old she got she looked forward to what lied ahead. I was recently sitting down for dinner at my grandmothers house (AD) and my wife pointed out something peculiar.  My grandmother's calendar was still placed in the month of February. She passed away on febuary 27th, just shy of March. The lesson I have learned by this is that sometimes we get bogged down in the monotony of life. We are quick to assume that we will be alive the next day or month to "flip the calendar over." We truly never know when our river of hours will run dry.                                                                                                          
                                       An ecotone is what I believe earth to be. A transitional phase between two stages of life. Birth and death  serve as mere milestones to a never ending story.  In the midst of pain we have to cling to the truth that this is momentary. We're only here for a short time compared to forever. When we realize that the people we have lost didn't die it's a little easier to make sense of it all. They didn't die an eternal death, they simply crossed from the ecotone to their final destination. When we think of their deaths, it's a call to a carpe diem mindset. As Andy from the Shawshank Redemption puts it, "Get busy living or get busy dying."

Porn-Again Christian

        I cannot recall the first moment I entered the world of pornography. A world where every girl wanted you and obeyed your every command. The rush to my brain was like a shot of heroine through my veins. Every click on the computer mouse drove me deeper into counterfeit ecstasy. For a long time I felt as though I was the only man who has struggled with porn. What I discovered is that not only was I not the only man, but millions of men (and women) are addicted to porn across the country. Ten billion is spent on pornography yearly in America. That's more than the combined revenue of pro football, basketball and baseball combined. It isn't just in the "secular" community either. Five out of ten men in church admit to struggling with porn. I'll be the first to admit that porn isn't the easiest topic to discuss. Talking about porn will blush cheeks and make conservatives squirm. Even though It's tough, I believe it's a secret that needs to be brought from your computer room and into the light.

                   What is porn? I believe that Porn and can be defined along with the definition of lust. Anything that triggers a sexual desire. An image doesn't have to contain nudity to be porn. There isn't a difference between soft core and hardcore porn in the realm of lust. Anything that causes you to fantasize anything sexual is porn. From playboy to sports illustrated. Even movies, music videos and TV shows that cause you to think impure thoughts. There isn't a "better" version of porn to watch. It's all equally degrading to women and damaging to a persons mind. Porn is an inescapable cornerstone of society. From youth you are told that porn is a part of "growing up."  And to a certain extent they are right. Everyone at one point or another has struggled with porn. Whether its a book that causes to struggle or a magazine article. It all can be labelled porn if it causes you to stumble. What we see in porn is a highly stylized veil that hides an awful truth.

                 When we watch porn, we are seeing what the camera wants us to see. The sad truth is what we're not seeing. Stories of women abused, raped and enslaved fill the news. Sex trafficking is on the rise and porn is to thank. Women will wear a smile for the camera and hide the true nature of their situation. This is the reason that porn is so addictive. Women of porn are always ready and willing to "fulfil" your every need. No need for romance or true love. Women are portrayed as pounds of flesh with the sole purpose of sexual gratification. They are devoid of value and purpose. They are alive only to please your whims. This is an extremely volatile property of porn. You can be a God and rule over these women. They will never say no. And no matter how hard you try to quit porn on your own, neither can you. Accountability and community are curse words in the world of porn.  "Keep your Dirty Little Secret to yourselves. Put on a smile at church and act like you have it all together." This mindset is a cancer that will eat you from within. Transparency is essential to victory in this area. This is ultimately a battle for your soul.

                   This battle can be found in the Story of Hosea and Gomer. It helps paint the picture of our struggle from the view of God. God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute and he obeys. She runs away countless times and even has to be purchased back at one point. This is the picture we paint when we indulge in our addictions. We play the prostitute giving ourselves away.  We wander away from God's purpose for us when we sit behind our computer. In the end we had to be purchased back in Jesus' blood. (1 Corinthians 6:20) Jesus didn't die for us to spend our days invested into porn with our pants around our ankles. He died for us to have a real relationship with God and for us to have real relationships with people. Porn isn't an interactive industry. They allow you to have an imaginary encounters with the promise of satisfaction. They only provide instant gratification with a momentary sense of fulfilment. Porn is just another plug for the God-shaped hole in your heart.

               This post is a call to action. We need to start living out in the open. Real relationships may be harder than porn but they are infinitely more satisfying. This is God's true purpose for our lives. Loving Him and loving people. Don't rely on your own will power to beat your addiction. Instead, rely on God's river of Grace and accountability. This will undoubtedly be one of the most difficult processes in your life. Its not the struggle that is the issue, its when you stop struggling. We have to choose who we will serve. Ourselves in the world of porn, or face the reality of serving a real God. Which master will you serve?

P.S. www.xxxchurch.com is a great website with endless resources.
P.S.S. (@learninhowtodie) On twitter. Follow for news on future posts.
               

Happiness is a warm gun

                        The world is full of people seeking happiness. Dating sites, self-help books and religions promise eternal bliss. The desire for happiness determines what jobs we take and how we spend our time.  What I have found in my pursuit of happiness is that it never ends. I am constantly wrapped in the mindset that whatever move I make in the chess match of life has to ultimately lead to my happiness. I took the job I have now to make money and eventually buy a house with a white picket fence. I have bought into the theme of Star Trek to," Live long an prosper." This is the American dream. The constitution is built around the pursuit of happiness, and it's what our lives are built upon. Hoping for a like or a re-tweet. Is this all we are meant for? Are we destined to spend our momentary life pursuing a monetary happiness?  This premise has filled many pews in the country. "If you trust God, he will bless his children with financial freedom and the success life you have only seen in movies." This cannot be the meaning of life. This cannot be our only purpose in life. This cannot be the reason God created us and sent his only son to die for us. If we say that our purpose is this, then Jesus died in vain.                                                                                  
                         

                        This country is filled with pastors and preachers promising that God has destined us for success. "Total victory." I have found myself watching these preachers on television and realizing that I'm not worshipping the same God. Why would God allow me to be broken beyond compare. Why would he allow my car to break down? Why would he let my life fall in around me? They promise that God intends his creation to be happy and free from burden and worry. "This is the reason that Jesus came to die. To free us from struggle and suffering." This isn't the Gospel. This is a watered down plastic view of the cross. It's a commercialized money maker for the pastor. "Accept Jesus, he will grant you rings on your fingers and clothes on your back." The real joy and satisfaction in life isn't from the material "blessings" of God. God is the true blessing. We should delight in the Lord alone. When we demand these gifts from God, it's idolatry. We should be thanking God for one more day on earth to serve him. Happy Just to be alive; Being a child of a powerful, loving father.
                                           
                            The Christian life has always been marked by suffering. The shortest and most profound verse in the bible is "Jesus wept." (John 11:35) Jesus (being fully God) has felt sadness.  He was weeping over a friend he had lost to a sickness.(Lazarus) Jesus felt unhappiness. After this he was beaten and crucified by the people he came to save. Suffering an unbearable pain that left him broken and betrayed.  Jesus never allowed his desire for happiness to dictate his life. He knew that the cup couldn't be passed from him.(Luke 22:42) He knew that his death would be filled with deafening pain. He chose to live in God's will instead of his own happiness. It would have been easier to live the rest of his days on earth preaching to his twelve fisherman.

                                    It was ultimately Jesus' decision to deny himself and choose God's destiny over his happiness. This is what will lead to our infinite happiness. The real question we have to ask is: Are we willing to delight in the lord? God says he will give us the desires of our heart.(Psalm 37:4) What are the desires of our heart? Do we desire for our happiness or his will? We don't have to feel that his will means our unhappiness. His will leads to lasting joy. No one has a greater joy than a slave that has been set free. God died to free us from ourselves. He set us free from Sin and Guilt. He didn't die for our financial gain or our momentary gain. He died so that we may have eternal joy and everlasting love. We have to rest on the promise that this life is a momentary affliction. (2 Corinthians 4:17)

P.S. Be Happy-http://youtu.be/xj0fOvlyv9U
P.S.S. @learninhowtodie on twitter.
P.S.S.S. I love you all!
P.S.S.S.S. Thanks to AMC and Vince Gilligan for such and amazing photo of Heisenberg.
 

Doubt

                                   

   

“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.” 

                                                                                  -George Carlin

                             

                                 

                              Doubt is a normal part of life. We are taught from a young age that God exist. When we grow older and escape our church bubble we encounter people who have different beliefs than we do. This can cause us to reflect on our own upbringing and lessons we were taught growing up. What if their beliefs are right? If God is all-powerful, why can't he stop evil? Why would a loving God send his creation to eternal darkness? These questions have been plaguing me for years. I have recently begun the process of seeking the truth. I have finally overcame the fear that seeking the truth would lead me away from the God of the bible. When I began to seek truth it lead me straight to him. The hardest questions for me weren't regarding his existence but his nature.

                            Many ponder the question,"If God is all-powerful, why doesn't he stop evil?"  By definition evil is anything morally bad or wrong. If we stop to take a look at the scriptures we begin to see that evil is not only ,"Out in the world", it's in the mirror. If you have ever lied, glanced at a woman lustfully, or even thought of being with a woman other than your wife, it's sin. In the perfect and holy eyes of God sin and evil are one in the same. By making this connection we step back and realize that we should be eliminated. In other words, at what level of evil do you want God to stop allowing? If we say that evil should be stopped, we can't pick and choose what "evil" acts to stop. Do we stop the murder or the hate?  We have to be consistent in gauging what is evil and what is righteous.  Sin (evil) is rebellion against God.(Romans 8:7) So every sin we have ever committed is evil according to God's judgement. We are all evil by God's definition. (Romans 3:23) I agree wholeheartedly that we deserve separation from God eternally along with the rapist and murderer. The only way we are not evil is through our redemption through Jesus. He is the only being that can bridge the gap between our own sinfulness and God's righteousness.

                           Another question that I've spent countless moments on is,"Why would a "loving" God send his creation to hell?" I've received this objection to the Christian faith on multiple occasions. I'll start by saying that God created free will. (Proverbs 16:9) God's knowledge of our choice before our choosing doesn't mean he sends us to hell. It simply means that God is all-knowing and he knew what our free will choice would be. God knew our fall was going to happen. This changed the way I believe In a big way. I'll try to explain this in an illustration. A car is passing a cow and headed to a bend on a narrow country road. The bend prevents the car from seeing a semi making it's way into the opposite side of the bend.  The car is driving into a crash. One more player in this illustration is the helicopter in the clouds. The helicopter can see the cow, the car and the semi. The helicopter's knowledge of the inevitable crash doesn't make him guilty of the crash. It just means the helicopter has a wider scope than the car's limited line of vision. Like the car, our vision of our future is extremely limited. We like to put God in our fleeting, finite box of the present. What we fail to realize is that God's vision of time transcends our  understanding.(Isaiah 40:28)  We try to make our own way when God has already laid out a path leading to him. (Proverbs 16:9)

                     One very prevalent belief that I've recently begun examining is the idea of relativism. Relativism basically means that truth is relative. Whatever truth you have found is true to you. Whatever truth I have found is true to me. This feels warm and fuzzy on the surface. Everyone gets a golden ticket to a dance party on golden clouds. Even though it feels great, it has gaping holes in It's own logic. For example:What if my truth says that your truth is wrong? My truth says that Jesus is the only way. (John 14:6) How can this truth be right when other religions (Or "truths") say differently. Two absolute truths relevant to the salvation of man can't exist simultaneously. Another popular belief that fits in the category of relativism is the belief that there's no way to know what's absolute truth. With this very statement we already find a lack of logic. You just claimed an absolute truth saying that there is no truth. The only viable option in this time of doubt is that there is absolute truth and that Jesus is that absolute truth. I won't argue in this post on why I believe every other "religion" is wrong and polluted with false doctrine. I'm simply attempting to lay to rest questions that have caused me to look at the nature of my God in a new way.

                     I believe that doubting is healthy. It has only strengthened my relationship with God. When I began this journey for truth I believed that I would find myself in a place of logic separate from anything spiritual. What I came to realize is that God created logic for his glory. Every road apart from his narrow country road is filled with holes in logic. If you have fear that seeking out truth will lead you from God, that is called doubt. Countless people doubted in the bible and we are still doubting today. If you have any questions about the bible or the nature of God feel free to leave them in the comments. Or if you are wanting to be more private don't hesitate to shoot me a message or come talk to me in person. I am confident not only in my logic but the one who created logic.


P.S. Carm.org is a fantastic website.
P.S.S. http://youtu.be/Sw_8o85lFxA
P.S.S.S.Thanks to the Gospel Coalition for the great picture (http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/files/2012/01/Doubt.png)

Fifty Shades Of God

         

                                       

                                Sex is everywhere. Everyday there is a new nip-slip, crotch shot or sex tape. As a culture we have become saturated and engulfed in sex in every sense of the word. Marriages and friendships ruined over lust and the secret lives we create on the internet. Through all of this what we fail to realize is that God created sex. God created marriage first, and right after he created sex. The problem isn't with sex, the problem is the timing of our sexual desires. As soon as you are young enough to click a mouse or pick up a remote control the would of porn is at your fingertips. What makes lust and sexual sin such an engrossing addiction? Are we made to pursue every desire if we "feel" that it's natural?

                                     God is the author of sex. In the early part of Genesis he became the first father to give his daughter away in marriage. (Genesis 2:24) This verse also contains the first sexual encounter. It says, "The two became one flesh." They were first married, then they spiritually and physically become one flesh. I believe God created the framework for a healthy sexual relationship. The reason porn and fornication are so damaging is laid out here in Genesis. To have a healthy sex life, you first need to become one flesh emotionally, spiritually and then physically. The act of sex is an expression of a deep longing between two lovers who have already became emotionally invested into their partner. Porn steals this idea and skips straight for the physical. You can't have the physical alone without the emotional investment that goes along with sex.

                                  Did you know that there is an entire book in the bible dedicated to sex? Song of Songs (Or Song Of Solomon) tells the story of two lovers through desire, courtship and ultimately consummation. It speaks of their desire to be with each other emotionally and physically in the first half of the book, then their marriage and consummation. As I have said there is a right order to sexuality that has to take place before a healthy sexual relationship can be obtained. "I adjure you O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases." (Song of Solomon 8:4) In other words, its healthy to have sexual desire, but it needs to be "awakened" at the right time and context. Directly after this verse in the bible, they become married and consummate the marriage. Fulfilling God's desire for us to have sex in the context of marriage and not before.

                                  God designed sex to prevent sin, not to cause it. In fact, God demands we have more sex to prevent sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 7:5). Sex outside of marriage is clearly laid out biblical to be a wrecker of lives and kingdoms (David). In the context of marriage though it is deeply encouraged. Sex isn't the evil, sinful act many people believe.It just has to be in the right context of first becoming emotionally and spiritually invested in marriage to you're beloved then ultimately consummated. In other words this post is an encouragement to romance and "awaken" each others love in the house of marriage. Its a call to walk against the trend of porn and lust to a brighter and holier calling of a healthy sexual relationship.


P.S.Thanks for the great picture! (http://stevecha.net/ask-steve-marital-relations-in-song-of-solomon/)
P.S.S. For updates on future posts follow me on twitter (@learninhowtodie)