I am a strong believer in the fact that a childhood forever affects the person you ultimately become. Memories of traumatic events replay like a skipping record in your mind. Many people turn to alcohol or drugs to drown their sorrows and try to forget. My drug of choice was porn. It was an escape. I have tried to trace back the catalyst to my addiction over the years. When I was nine years old I was sexually molested. This incident set off a chain reaction in my life like a cigarette in a forest fire. Around the same time is when I was first exposed to porn. I could go on blaming my struggles on someone else but ultimately I am responsible for me reactions. I've known many people that like to play the blame game. "I smoke crack because of my fatherless upbringing." " I'm a prostitute because my mom never loved me." These are very real situations that people live through.
We are ultimately responsible for our actions. God doesn't look away from your sin because of the painful memory. He doesn't allow sin because of sin. In my head I can go on justifying my addiction. I had this traumatic event in my life, therefore God will overlook my sins. This is a dangerous mindset for anyone to have. It causes a complacent life and a pushover mentality. We can't allow these events to define our future. Dwelling on the past will develop like a cancer in your heart. The only true way to move on is dealing with your past and forgiving the wrong doer. (Matthew 6:15)
I have allowed myself to be overtaken by my past on multiple occasions. I beat myself to a bloody pulp thinking about what I've done. What I finally realized is that I wasn't sinless before this point in my life. We are all born into sin. In my youth I lied and hated. I sometimes I think back to this event as my fall from grace. What I failed to realize is that the fall from Grace happened in the garden of eden well before my birth. I beat myself up because I felt perfect before this event. I felt as though this event stole my innocence. The fact is I was broken from the start. I will never will be perfect. I struggled through failure after failure and thought I was beyond God's grace. My multitude of sin separated me from having a relationship with him and a relationship with the ones I love. I kept trying to fix myself before I repented. This always left me cold and alone. I finally decided to come to God as I was. This changed my life. I found out that he loved me despite my addictions or failures.
God's love expands inside and in between my failures. He catches me when I fall even though I don't always trust him to. I have forgiven the person involved in this event in my life. This has allowed me to move forward but not forget. I struggle daily with this and need prayer daily. Blaming your struggles on your past doesn't hide your sin. You are responsible for your sin in the eyes of God. The only way your forgiven isn't by not failing, its by falling on Jesus.
